


Knocked Up and About

by the17thmuse



Series: Hatake Agricultural Adventures [15]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Cabbage patch babies, F/M, Itty Bitty Senju Flowerpot, M/M, Mistaken Affairs, Misunderstandings, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22875622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the17thmuse/pseuds/the17thmuse
Summary: (Follows "Does This Count as Accidental Baby Acquisition—Please Send Help")In which Kaiko Watches, and Sasori Spills the Good News
Relationships: Hatake Sakumo/Sandaime Kazekage | Third Kazekage, Sasori's Mother/Sasori's Father
Series: Hatake Agricultural Adventures [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487342
Comments: 11
Kudos: 39





	Knocked Up and About

**Author's Note:**

> Follows "Does This Count as Accidental Baby Acquisition—Please Send Help"

Sakumo Hatake and Satetsu no Kurogane got along like a wooden house on fire. And hadn't that sparked a chain of surprised looks and raised eyebrows. (For those not in the know, at least.) 

Kurogane-sama is strong, intelligent, powerful and pragmatic, his growing reputation as Suna's most powerful Kage-candidate to date had placed him on a pedestal a little removed from the rest of the populace. Not to mention he is...very intimidating, both in looks and personality.

And Sakumo, Konoha's rising White Fang, was younger than Kaiko imagined but proving to be skilled and strong and cunning in all the ways that mattered. And whose only mistake was not being up to speed with his foreign politics. It was that or Konoha-nin really are as varied in quirks and levels of insanity as the rumors implied, when he acted so politely and (awkwardly) _flirted with_ the soon-to-be Village leader.

The Konoha-nin _had_ been loopy on blood loss and a head injury the first time they had met. Not to mention the Kazekage-candidate had skillfully disguised himself as Suna ANBU with some medi-nin training (in order to keep an eye on and interrogate the foreign shinobi in their custody during the war.) As such, concessions could be made for the disrespect.

But then, Kaiko had been there when Sakumo had bathed himself in the gore of his enemies using what was possibly the most appalling and embarrassing jutsu she'd ever witnessed (and she'd seen a wide manner of horrid deaths). The people of Kage no Kuni were as tough and harsh as the desert they live in, but even she wouldn't wish _that_ kind of death on her worst enemy. So, the Hatake's sanity could certainly be put into question.

Either way, Kurogane-sama seemed to find the shinobi's non-reverential (and awkward courting-puppy) treatment of him to his liking. (Kaiko didn't really have the authority or the willingness to tell him not to think with his ego or his dick. She didn't want to die just yet.) 

The part where they both encountered the Great Shukaku face-to-face, found his favor, and lived could have added to his bias. (The entire population of Suna would have celebrated because Kurogane actually found another person he liked without being forced by duty or necessity. The fact he actually found someone sexually appealing is certainly relieving. _How nice it is to finally have proof there is actually a needy human hidden deep deep deep deep within the many frightening layers of iron sand._ )

However, a part of Kaiko feared Sakumo's reaction when, and not if, he discovers the deceit. It's been almost a year and Kurogane-sama had said nothing of his identity, all the while their friendship has been shifting to and fro into something much, much deeper.

She definitely isn't looking forward to the fallout.

#

The day of reckoning came and went, and Sakumo said nothing. Kaiko hadn't really seen or heard anything in particular from the Hatake since the shinobi got rip-roaring drunk and was enthusiastically shoulder-carried by an equally drunk and hungry-looking Kazekage into the night. And into his residence where they (as the rumors implied) went at it until morning, and then some. 

(The ANBU had found the White Fang's reaction to his aching-and-waking state quite hilarious. Something about bewildered pitiful dog-noises, static hair and the Kazekage's rudely electrifying wake-up call. And a baby-sized flowerpot that mysteriously appeared out of nowhere...and became the subject to an unbelievably ridiculous custody war between the Hatake and the Suna Torture & Interrogation Department?) 

Kaiko shook her head in confusion. _ANBU humor these days..._

And then, a flurry of errands and duties suddenly kept the two busy. Kurogane dove back into the bulk of post-war reparations while Sakumo went into several trips into the deserts of Suna to expand his mushroom crop varieties and the Hatake herbarium.

She waited for screaming matches, perhaps a fight, maybe even Sakumo giving the cold-shoulder or some other equally dramatic reaction. Because Kurogane-sama was _apparently_ above such theatrics.

But their resident Konoha-nin did nothing. No noise of complaint, no heartbroken crying, or drinking or lamenting his entire existence. Nope. Nada. He wasn't even moping in public. The two lovers (ex-lovers?) seemed hellbent on avoiding each other. At least on Sakumo's end. In fact, he seemed to be stressing more over the flowerpot he just cannot seem to let go of.

On the other hand, Kurogane-sama was just a little more grumpy than usual. Not much of a change there. But then, he'd never really been in a relationship before...

Kaiko was a little disappointed.

The silver-haired shinobi was her son's favorite playmate and her free-of-charge babysitter. She'd never seen anyone not of Suna become so taken with her boy before. (Her mother-in-law Chiyo had been looking a bit threatened and was convinced that Sakumo may just make off with Sasori one day.) The man just seemed to be build to have children to love and spoil senseless.

And.

He spared her and her husband in the war and took them with him during his escape. She owed him, more than twice over. For saving her and Gumo. For bringing them home to her family. For keeping the smile on her son's face when he saw them return.

She _had_ to do something.

But how was she supposed to become a fantastic mom-friend if Sakumo denies the existence of his relationship problems because he's too fixated on some potted cactus? 

(Granted, it was the most adorable and exotic looking cactus she'd ever seen.) 

But still...an intervention is definitely in order some time in the future.

#

Months passed in continued silence and being swamped in stressful work. 

Then Sasori ran home one day with news that explained everything and nothing. "Hatake-san is having a baby!" he squealed.

 _Sakumo...baby. Sakumo...having a baby._ Kaiko numbly took a seat. 

Sakumo had recently been acting...off. The insomnia, the nightly walks, the binge buying of a ridiculous amount of prickly pear tunas to the point Trader Ekou didn't know whether to be flattered or terrified of the foreign shinobi practically buying him out. 

_The nervous looks..._ Kaiko paused. 

_Sakumo...had been avoiding Kurogane-sama...because he knocked up some kunoichi and had to take responsibility?_

Her eye twitched. What a mess. What a MESS. Kurogane-sama is a very proud man and he's going to kill him. He's going to grind Sakumo into paste with his iron sand. Suna (and the entirety of Kaze no Kuni—especially the Wind Daimyo's _wife_ ) is going to be pissed off at their Kazekage for killing _their_ Bloody Fang (and supplier of their high quality _tastier-than-thou_ desert truffles for their chocolates), so he's going to be dead too. Then Konoha is going to take _their_ White Fang's murder as an insult then wage a war that will wipe them out.

Sakumo is going to die, which means Kurogane-sama will die, which means that everyone else will most certainly die. _They're all going to fucking die._

She needs to talk to the Hatake. Now. _Right now_.

"Mama, wait for me!"

#

Kaiko burst through the door with the force of a raging sandstorm and cornered the Konoha-nin right in his room. Sakumo honestly looked like a wreak. He's become so thin a breeze would knock him over and he'd probably fade away. The kunoichi could still somehow muster some pity for the Konoha-nin when she saw him, but only a little bit.

"Bloody Fang," she snarled, pointing at him. "You...coward. You—you fucked up."

Sakumo gave a sad smile, like a puppy trying to be brave in front of a chopping block, and Kaiko decided she hated it. So. Much. "I fucked up, I know."

Her heart clenched with regret and desperation, and her mouth just ran away from her. "Talk to the Kazekage. Beg on your knees if you have to. Do something to fix this. Just because Kurogane-sama lied to you about his position, and you went behind his back and slept with someone else, doesn't mean—"

Sakumo raised a hand, cutting her short. "Kaiko-san, I personally had no problems with the omission of Kuro-san being a Kazekage-candidate, never mind being the Kazekage. I _was_ an enemy shinobi," he reminded her. "The issue of trust is understandable." 

The shinobi then faltered. "But, I don't know what you're talking about sleeping with someone else—"

" —what do you mean you don't? You're having a baby!"

"Yes, I'm having a baby and I don't know how to tell him—"

"Mama! Mama! You weren't listening to me." Sasori suddenly pulled at her sleeve, and Kaiko stopped.

_Where did he come from? Did...her little boy chased her all the way here?_

But her son wasn't done yet. 

"You didn't let me finish," he pouted petulantly and Kaiko goggled.

Sasori was sending the family patented disappointed look. At _her_. It was surreal.

"I'm sorry, Sasori-kun," she found herself saying. "What were you trying to say?"

"I forgive you, Mama," her son cheerfully replied. "I...I wanted to tell you that _s_ _omeone else_ isn't having Hatake-san's baby," he enunciated slowly. Then he cleared his throat, ejecting a solemn air some children do when they're about to impart some great secret.

" _Hatake-san_ is the one _having_ the baby."

Silence.

"Hatake-san...is the one having the...having the..." the kunoichi repeated weakly, grasping at air.

Everything felt faint (and Kaiko really wants to sit down. Maybe on the ground. Yes, yes, the ground. The ground will do...)

_Hatake...the one...having...insomnia...hormonal imbalance...prickly pear...cravings...having baby...him. Him?_

She whirled and zeroed in at the shinobi's painfully thin belly, aghast. "You're _pregnant?!_ "

Sakumo was still gaping like a fish when what she said hit him.

" _I'm_ pregnant _?_ " he said, confusedly. Then, "Wait. _What._ " 

**Author's Note:**

> Kaiko is still giving Sakumo and her Kazekage too much credit when it comes to relationships and socializing. They're such disasters even though this doesn't elaborate on it.
> 
>  **Warnings:** silliness, misunderstandings, mistaken affair(s)
> 
>  **Roster:**  
>  Ekou (laugh-fortune) [笑幸] - a Suna trader who greatly reveres Shukaku and sells prickly pear tunas   
> Satetsu no Kurogane (black steel of the iron sand) [砂鉄の黒鋼] - the Sandaime Kazekage   
> Kaiko (silkworm) [蚕] - Sasori's mother; a medi-nin  
> 


End file.
